Is Annulment Right for You? Don’t Jump the Gun and Shoot Yourself!

If you’re contemplating ending your marriage and wondering if an annulment is right for you, I’m here to help.

An annulment may seem more appealing if you belong to a religious or conservative community that frowns on divorce. Annulling your marriage may appear like a clean break without the stigma of being a divorcee.

But before jumping in, educate yourself about the differences between an annulment and a divorce in the state where you live.

Whether an annulment is preferable in your case rides on several factors. Your rights are different depending on the proceeding you choose and the laws where you live. So choose with care guided by an experienced family law attorney in your area who can explain how your local laws apply to your situation.

In this post, I will discuss important factors to consider in deciding whether to pursue an annulment or a divorce.

Let’s begin!

What is an annulment?

An annulment is a legal proceeding that declares a marriage invalid, as if it had never occurred.

The court determines there was a defect in the marriage that made the union void or voidable at the onset. Therefore, annulments are available under extremely limited circumstances.

An individual seeking an annulment must prove to the court that the invalidating circumstances existed when the marriage took place.

When is an annulment suitable?

An annulment may be a better option for short marriages, where the couple discovers that their marriage was not legal, or for a spouse who was deceived or coerced into the marriage. Additionally, an annulment does not require a waiting period before filing, so the parties may proceed right away.

Longer marriages may have more issues to resolve, such as the distribution of property acquired jointly and issues involving children. Divorce may be more appropriate in these cases, as I will explain below.

Differences between annulment and divorce

A divorce, unlike an annulment, dissolves a valid marriage.

Every state has different grounds for divorce that typically include problems that developed after the wedding, like irreconcilable differences, abandonment, adultery, or cruelty.

Some states require a waiting period before a party can file for divorce, ranging from a few months to a few years.

In many jurisdictions, an annulment is harder to get than a divorce because there are fewer available grounds and they may be difficult to prove.

Common grounds for annulment

The grounds for annulment vary by jurisdiction. You must present evidence and convince the court that these factors existed before the wedding ceremony and that you did not know about them at the time.

Common grounds for annulment include:

1. Fraud or misrepresentation

If your spouse misrepresented or lied to you about a significant matter to induce you to marry, you may file for annulment. This may include marrying to get a green card, hiding an addiction, their desire to have children, or pregnancy by another partner.

A family law attorney can advise you if your spouse’s lie or misrepresentation is sufficient to support a petition for an annulment.

2. Coercion

You can get an annulment if your spouse forced you to marry under threats of violence or death to yourself or family members.

3. Underage marriage

Each state has an age, typically 18, before individuals can be married without parental consent. If you or your spouse were younger than the age of consent when you wed, you may seek an annulment.

4. Bigamy

If you discover your spouse was already married to another person at the time of the marriage, you can annul your union. Since bigamy is a crime, your spouse can also be prosecuted for the offense.

5. Incest

If you discover that you and your spouse are close blood relatives, your marriage can be terminated on those grounds.

6. Mental incapacity

If one spouse lacked the capacity to understand they were getting married due to intoxication by drugs or alcohol or due to a mental disability, the marriage can be annulled.

7. Impotence or lack of consummation

Your marriage can be annulled if your husband concealed he was impotent and is unable or unwilling to engage in sexual relations. A man can file for annulment if his wife knowingly lied about being infertile. These conditions must exist when you got married. Becoming impotent or discovering infertility after marriage does not qualify for an annulment.

The annulment process

The annulment process begins by filing a petition with the court stating the grounds for your request. You must also serve this petition on your spouse.

If your spouse contests the petition, the court will hold a hearing where you will have to present evidence and prove your case.

The court will evaluate the evidence and grant or deny the annulment. Depending on your state, the court may also decide other issues associated with parenting your children and property division.

Once the court grants your petition, the marriage is deemed voided and the parties become single, instead of divorced.

Why it matters

Since an annulment voids the marriage as if it had never occurred, the laws handle issues differently in annulment versus divorce cases.

Choosing an annulment may be a dangerous move. Since the court decides a marriage didn’t exist, you could lose some rights afforded to divorcing spouses. That’s why you must have an attorney explain your options in detail.

Here are just a few of them:

1. Property division in annulment cases

In divorce cases, the court decides how to divide assets and debt acquired during the marriage. The laws may provide for equitable distribution or community property depending on where you live. These laws may not apply to annulments, and the division of property and liabilities may be more complicated. Or you may lose rights to property, such as the marital home, that you may be entitled to in a divorce. Make sure you understand your rights under each scenario before you proceed.

2. Annulment and alimony

In some states, spouses have a right to spousal support after a marriage ends in divorce. That may not be true in an annulment, where a court rules that the marriage never existed.

Do not cheat yourself. Speak to a family lawyer first and find out if you could lose your right to alimony if your marriage is annulled.

3. Child Custody and Support

Children born of your relationship do not cease to exist when a marriage is voided. But their rights may differ from the children of divorce. Divorce laws provide certain benefits and protections and the legal mechanisms to enforce them.

In annulment cases, the law may limit your children to the rights available to children born out of wedlock.

Do not deprive your children of what belongs to them. Educate yourself regarding their rights under each proceeding with the help of a family lawyer, so you can protect their rights.

4. Annulment and taxes

An annulment can also affect your taxes and any joint returns filed during the marriage will need to be amended. Consult with a financial advisor or tax accountant before you petition to annul your marriage to determine the tax consequences compared to a divorce.

5. Annulment and immigration

Marriage to a U.S. citizen or permanent resident may give you immigration rights. The end of a marriage under either proceeding may affect the immigration status of the non-citizen spouse.

The U.S. government takes marriage fraud seriously and seeks deportation for suspected marriage fraud. In these cases, the immigrant must prove they married their spouse in good faith, not to get a green card.

If you’re an immigrant, talk to an immigration attorney if you are seeking to end your marriage or your spouse files for annulment or divorce.

6. Annulment and prenups

When the court voids a marriage as if it never occurred, your rights under a prenuptial agreement may end as well. Consult with a family attorney to find out if the law in your state enforces prenuptial agreements in your case.

7. Annulment and religion

If you think you’re better off annulling your marriage for religious reasons, think again. The court proceeding only invalidates your civil marriage and has nothing to do with your religious union.

If you desire a religious divorce, such as a catholic annulment or Jewish get, you must pursue it separately after the court grants the divorce.

Conclusion

As you can see, ending your marriage, whether by annulment or divorce, can have serious consequences for the quality of your life.

Before proceeding, make sure you understand the laws and how they affect you and your children in each scenario. A competent family law attorney is your best defense to make sure your rights and your future are protected.

The post Annulment or Divorce? Why it matters appeared first on Sonia Frontera.

5 Lessons from Saint Patrick that Will Transform Your Life Today 

Do you feel imprisoned? Oppressed by your life’s circumstances? Are you constantly annoyed by the division, polarization and intolerance in the world?

Take a cue from Saint Patrick’s life and turn your annoyances into food for personal development.

Saint Patrick’s Day is coming up. This is a jolly feast, associated with parades, wild parties and decadent foods like corned beef and cabbage and, my favorite, Irish soda bread.

This year, before you take a sip of green beer, I invite you to take a closer look at the life of this extraordinary man.  Let his legacy inspire you, so you can trade those feelings of oppression and annoyance for a sense of purpose and invincibility.

In this post, I will share with you five takeaways from his life that you can incorporate into your own for a happier existence.

Saint Patrick is best known for the conversion of Ireland into Christianity, but many of us know very little about his life.

You may be as surprised as I was that this holy man, born in fifth-century Britain to a prominent Christian family, did not start out with a particularly strong faith.

Then, fate intervened. When he was only 16, Saint Patrick was captured by Irish pirates and sold into slavery. Saint Patrick spent six years as a slave, shepherding sheep in the mountains of Ireland.

There, in isolation and inclement weather, he experienced conversion into Christianity and devoted his days to prayer and contemplation, which deepened his connection to a God he barely knew.

Inspired by his now unwavering faith, Saint Patrick managed a miraculous escape and returned to his homeland at the age of 21.

But his conversion caused a deep transformation that left him restless. He felt a call from God in a dream to return to Ireland as a Christian missionary, giving him a transcendental place in Irish history.

Like Saint Patrick, you can create your own history, starting where you are right now, regardless of your circumstances.

Today is the beginning of the rest of your life.

Why not emulate the example of Saint Patrick to create a life full of purpose, freedom and miracles?

Saint Patrick’s life is an invitation for ordinary people to live extraordinary lives.

Below are five lessons from this exemplary life that can inspire you to transform yours today:

1. Freedom is Your True Essence

Even as a captive, Saint Patrick knew that his true nature was freedom. Being held against his will and working for others without compensation could not rob from him his inner essence.

Instead of focusing on his lack of personal liberty, he focused on the freedom available to him in his mind, in his soul. Saint Patrick spent endless hours in prayer and contemplation and received from these inner activities the peace and solace that made his outer circumstances not just bearable, but productive.

No matter what your personal situation is, you are the master of your innermost thoughts, where creation begins, where your life finds its ultimate expression.

Rather than allowing those life annoyances to make you feel imprisoned or disempowered, you have the power to turn within and get control of your thoughts and feelings.

Make time in your daily life to nurture your soul. Devote even just a few minutes to meditation or contemplation.

Seek stillness and find your center. Enter that private space where no one can have any influence, and use those moments to rejuvenate, refresh and reconnect with your spirit.

2. Turn Adversity into Fuel for Transformation and Growth

Even the worst of situations can have silver linings that can transform, not only your life, but the lives of others you touch.

Saint Patrick did not allow slavery to stop him from discovering and achieving his life’s highest purpose. To the contrary, he used it to fuel his life’s purpose and achieve goals that he did not even fathom before his enslavement.

Take a close look at your life. What circumstances appear to imprison you or hold you back?

Contemplate these circumstances and ponder how a shift in attitude and action can transmute these seeming problems into opportunities for your personal development and most importantly, the highest good.

3. Follow Your Call with Passion and Against the Odds

After returning to Britain, Saint Patrick felt a call from God to go back to Ireland and become a missionary.

He heeded the call and returned to Ireland to share the message that had sustained him while in slavery, a mission with inherent dangers and possible martyrdom. Yet, he pursued this vision and fulfilled his mission with extraordinary zeal and success.

Most of us do not receive dramatic calls or see a billboard with our life purpose spelled out in bold letters.

So, are you willing to listen to your inner voice? It will reveal to you your mission and the steps necessary to accomplish it. It will show you the tools you need to make it happen.

Again, spend time in meditation and contemplation and tune in to your inner voice. What is it calling you to do?

Like Saint Patrick, you simply need to say YES, believe in your mission and devote yourself wholeheartedly into making it come to fruition.

Your success, as Saint Patrick’s, will be commensurate with the level of passion you dedicate to the task.

4. Tolerance is the Building Block of Peaceful Relationships

When Saint Patrick returned to Ireland for his ministry, Ireland was inhabited by people who, by Christian standards, were heathens and pagans.  Yet, he did not attempt to convert them by force.

Instead, he studied their traditions and sought the beauty of their beliefs. He integrated them with the Catholic faith, giving birth to Celtic spirituality, a flavor of spirituality that combines the best of both worlds.

In my world, many friends have been seething in anger since November 2016. What a waste of two years!

Are you willing to discover the good in every person you encounter, instead of perceiving him or her as an adversary?

Train yourself to seek common ground with others and to build relationships based on shared beliefs and values. Avoid discussions into subjects that engender division and dissent.

Discipline yourself to politely end or walk away from conversations that are likely to go sour, jeopardize friendships and sever family ties.

I know I am not alone in this and I know you can do it! I am married to a man of a different religious denomination and completely opposite political beliefs. Yet I refuse to engage in fruitless discussions that will bring us apart.

Allow others to have their beliefs the same way you expect others to allow you to have yours. Pursue activities that you can do together that don’t involve arguments.

Do you enjoy hiking? Take a quiet walk in the woods with a friend. Sports? Work out a sweat together and melt out negative emotions. Strengthen the bond that emanates from open hearts and watch negativity dissolve.

5. Find Sustenance in Nature

As a slave in the mountains of Ireland, Saint Patrick derived comfort and peace from nature. So can you.

Nature is the ultimate source of creation and healing. Notice how nature continuously creates and renews itself—on a daily basis as well as when there is a natural disaster. Use that same power to heal to restore your body and soul.

Spend time in nature every day, even if it’s just a brief walk in the park. Take your shoes off and feel the sensations of your feet on the grass, soil or sand! Meditate outdoors and feel the wisdom of nature infuse you.

These are just five lessons I have unpacked from the amazing life of Ireland’s patron. I am sure you can draw even more inspiration of your own.

This Saint Patrick’s Day spend some time reflecting and acting on opportunities to transform your life.

Then enjoy your favorite green beer.

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!

Sonia Frontera is a family attorney, empowerment trainer and full-time doggie mom. She is the proud survivor of an unhappy marriage, a liberating divorce and is living proof that there’s life after separation.  Sonia is the author of the #1 bestseller “Solve the Divorce Dilemma: Do You Keep Your Husband or Do You Post Him on Craigslist?”

She loves to hear from readers and can be reached at her internet home.

Sign up for more blog posts and freebies here! And join our Sisterhood on Facebook.

The post Celebrate Freedom on Saint Patrick’s Day appeared first on Sonia Frontera.

Solo Holidays can Be Fun!

Are you dreading spending the holidays alone? Perhaps you’re going through a divorce, you recently moved to a new city, or your loved ones live too far away to travel.

With the COVID pandemic taking another spike, you may wish to avoid people altogether.

Regardless of your situation, holidays alone don’t mean having a miserable time.

In this post, I will share 5 tips to help you stay sane—and actually have a great time–if you’re spending the holidays alone.

1. Plan ahead

Don’t let the holidays sneak up on you unprepared. Instead of moping and feeling sorry for yourself, use the ideas below to inspire you to take action and make these holidays rock!

Line up your ducks. Make sure you have at hand all the materials, ingredients, and equipment you’ll need to carry out your desires and pick them up before the stores close or run out of stock.

If you wish for company, make plans with others before their dance card is full.

2. Connect with others

Just because you’re alone for the holidays doesn’t mean you have to be lonely. The loved ones you can’t see in person may be as close as a phone call, text, or video call.

And remember that you’re not the only person spending the holidays alone. Reach out for company and have a blast!

Below are just a few options to inspire you to create fun of your own!

Attend or host a holiday party

Get out there and meet new people. Attend a holiday party at a nearby church or community organization.

No parties near you? Throw your own pot-luck bash and invite other people who are spending the holidays alone. Ask everyone to bring their favorite holiday dish or something traditional to their family or culture.

Volunteer

Being of service is the best way to beat loneliness and self-pity.  Seek opportunities to volunteer, whether it’s at a soup kitchen, a toy drive, wrapping or delivering presents, or visiting the elderly. Caring for the less fortunate will make you realize how blessed you are and will fill your heart with gratitude.

Join a local holiday event

Towns large and small host a variety of holiday-themed events, from tree-lighting ceremonies to movies, holiday markets, and library events. Check out your local newspaper, Meet-Ups, and Evite for events near you. You may make new friends and feel more connected to your community.

3. Pamper yourself and enjoy life’s simple pleasures

The hustle and bustle of the holidays can leave you feeling stressed and frazzled. Take advantage of your “me time”  to relax and recharge!

Do what brings you joy and engage in nurturing activities that you are usually too busy to do. Or do nothing at all and savor the moment.

These are just a few options:

Indulge in self-care

Take a fragrant bath surrounded by candlelight, curl up with a good book, or just take a nap. Enjoy a solo movie night. Catch up on your shows and binge on new releases and traditional holiday movies and series.

Feast on holiday treats

Stock your pantry with your favorite holiday foods. Try out new recipes or travel in time and cook your family’s traditional meals. Take out your nice dishes for added pizzaz and post your masterpieces on social media.

Brave the great outdoors

Go out for a walk. Visit a park or nature trail. The exercise will boost your energy and spirit. If the weather’s too cold, go for a night drive. Delight in the light displays in fancy neighborhoods with childlike wonder.

4. Get a head start on the new year

Make your holidays productive. Your alone time gives you the perfect opportunity to clear your head, reflect on the events and accomplishments of the year, and plot your goals for the year ahead. Grab your journal, make a list and take action.

Get cranking on your new year’s resolutions

Use this bonus time to work on those goals, whether it’s getting in shape, starting a new project, or learning something new.

• Get organized. Embrace your inner Marie Kondo. Clean out your closets, declutter your home and donate gently used items to charity. Take a tax deduction on your next tax return.
• Tackle the tasks you avoided all year.
• Start or finish those projects you’ve been avoiding and plan new ones for the year to come.

Take on new hobbies

Do an inventory of your dreams. Is there a hobby you’ve always wanted to try but were too busy or too chicken to pursue it?

Whether it’s skydiving or knitting, start investigating courses and equipment you’ll need to begin your journey when the holidays are over.

5. Get help if you have a bad case of the blues

If the stress of solo holidays is more than you can handle, get help.

Talk to a mental health professional or investigate options available online, from hotlines to virtual visits. You don’t have to go through this alone.

What are your holiday plans? Share them and post your ideas for alone holiday fun in the comments below!

Happy Holidays!

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The post 5 Tips to Enjoy Spending the Holidays Alone appeared first on Sonia Frontera.

That means you or someone you know might be in danger or suffering in silence.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month–a time to bring attention to this important issue, so we can get smart and do our part to end this epidemic.

That’s why I teamed up with journalist Ilyssa Panitz and Authority Magazine for this interview, also featuring the 5 Things You Need to Know to Survive and Thrive After a Divorce.

Sonia Frontera is a family attorney, empowerment trainer and domestic violence advocate. She is the proud survivor of an unhappy marriage, a liberating divorce and is living proof that there’s life after separation.  Sonia is the author of the #1 bestseller “Solve the Divorce Dilemma: Do You Keep Your Husband or Do You Post Him on Craigslist?”

She loves to hear from readers and can be reached at her internet home.

Sign up for more blog posts and freebies here! And join our Sisterhood on Facebook.

The post Do You Feel Safe in Your Relationship? appeared first on Sonia Frontera.

Mother’s Day is a celebration of the women in our lives—the mothers who gave us birth and those who lovingly assume that role in surprising and unsuspecting ways. It is the one day of the year when most of us make a pause to offer flowers, candy and lavish gifts and express love and gratitude for all they do and mean to us.

But Mother’s Day can be a painful day for many—those whose mothers have died or are ill… For women who have lost their children or are estranged from them. And, mostly ignored, women who want to be mothers but have not been blessed with the opportunity to parent a child.

Whether you’re nursing an infant or caring for an elderly mother in diapers–or if you have no children of your own—celebrate Mother’s Day with reckless abandon.

Read on for some simple ideas to spend a joyful time—on your own or with others.

Mother’s Day is not a holiday exclusively for women with living mothers and loving children.

Mother’s Day is a celebration of women’s innate power to create and love.

Do not think me an idealist or a whack job. I do not have children and my mother died five years ago. To top it off, my godmother, the last of my living mother figures, died in March.

Yet, I intend to enjoy Mother’s Day like never before.

I have come to the realization that being a mother extends way beyond society’s limited definition of procreation.

As women we give birth, not only to children, but to ideas and achievements, and our hearts have an infinite capacity to love more than just our offspring.

Think about this… some of the most influential women of our time did not bear children. Mother Teresa had no children, but she devoted her life to caring for the poor, the dying and the marginalized, becoming a mother figure to all.

How many children came home to Oprah after school every day and were infused by her wisdom and substance?

How about historical figures like Helen Keller and Rosa Parks, who stretched the limits of what’s possible?

These women, with their actions and examples, nurtured our spirits with love, courage and inspiration—a blessing to the whole world!

And there are countless others, I am sure you have role models of your own. Meditate on how these women have enriched the lives of others who were not their biological children.

With that in mind, this year I invite you to celebrate Mother’s Day in unique ways and to continue the practice every day of the year!

Here are four easy ideas!

Extend love and kindness to everyone and everything

Do you have a friend, relative or neighbor who’s lost a spouse, child or parent? Are you concerned about others who spend holidays alone or unloved?

Practice random acts of kindness.

It is as simple as uttering caring words, bringing a homemade meal, spending quality time together. Visit a nursing home and bring comfort to an elderly person who has no one to visit him or her.

Those are the things most treasured by people who are hurting and they take very little effort on your part.

Remember and immortalize the women in your family

Even if the women in your life are no longer on this plane, make a point of keeping them alive. Make their traditional family recipes you cherished as a child. Share stories with your children about your family matriarchs and highlight their endearing qualities and contributions to the family and the world.

Explore and express your creativity

Be an active participant in the creative process and increase your joy exponentially!

Carve out time for yourself and have fun engaging in a craft or hobby. Make something nice for yourself, a dear one or a less fortunate person. Donate your masterpieces to charities that collect handmade goods for preemies, orphans, the elderly and shelter pets, among others.

Grab your journal and unleash your innermost thoughts and feelings, or write a poem or story.

Get your hands dirty and go in the yard and participate in creation by planting flowers or vegetables that will delight you for the rest of the season!

Adopt a pet

Who says real children have to be human? Ask any doggie-mom and she will tell you every day is Mother’s Day! My days invariably begin with an animated love fest with my girls and I wouldn’t want it any other way!

Visit your local shelter and bring home a pet that will rejoice in your love and companionship.

Regardless of how you choose to celebrate Mother’s Day, make it a day to express unlimited love and unleash your innate power to create!

Sonia Frontera is a family attorney, empowerment trainer and full-time doggie mom. She is the proud survivor of an unhappy marriage, a liberating divorce and is living proof that there’s life after separation.  Sonia is the author of the #1 bestseller “Solve the Divorce Dilemma: Do You Keep Your Husband or Do You Post Him on Craigslist?”

She loves to hear from readers and can be reached at her internet home.

Sign up for more blog posts and freebies here! And join our Sisterhood on Facebook.

The post Mother’s Day: A Celebration of Women’s Power to Create appeared first on Sonia Frontera.

Relationship Solutions is an excellent book for readers who are looking to start their life all over again or need guidance when it comes to making decisions on the future of their unhappy relationship or marriage. The insights shared will not only help readers with their own thought patterns but also the mindsets of their spouses and partners. Sonia Frontera‘s approach to the topic is simple and easy to apply and helps readers adopt an active awareness so that they can create the joyful life they deserve. The book offers good encouragement when it comes to making choices that will help them seize the power and make the next positive moves. For readers looking to create a life of freedom and fulfillment, this book will help them cultivate the skills to turn their obstacles into opportunities and create joy and happiness.

Reviewed By Mamta Madhavan for Readers’ Favorite

The post Rave Review from Readers’ Favorite appeared first on Sonia Frontera.

Relationship Solutions: Effective Strategies to Heal Your Heart and Create the Happiness You Deserve is the third book in the self-help ‘The Sister’s Guides to Empowered Living’ series, but needs no prior introduction to serve as a stand-alone read for newcomers.

Plenty of books on the market discuss marital harmony and healing, but few adopt the approach of Relationship Solutions, which covers how to identify and work through underlying negativity to arrive at equitable solutions that work for all.

This isn’t a one-formula-fits-all-relationships approach, but a set of strategies designed to help readers first gain clarity about their own needs, responses, and lives; then work with another to meld interests and rebuild relationships and love.

It surveys common traits of an unhappy marriage, provides tools for re-assessing whether the couple individually holds enough connections and purpose to reform a bond together, and builds a positive mindset not just for relationship rebuilding, but for divorce (if this seems the best solution).

This approach sets Sonia Frontera‘s book apart from other relationship discussions, but there’s more. In the interests of not providing a singular model for the road to equitable partnership or disbanding, Frontera provides candid assessments that include financial as well as emotional concerns: “Technically, a mediator may help you craft an agreement you are comfortable with but may not be an optimal outcome in your situation. If you have not received adequate counseling, you may agree to terms that are not good for you. That’s why, unless the issues are simple and few, the parties should consider bringing their respective attorneys to mediation to protect their interests and avoid accepting unfavorable terms. Having attorneys present makes mediation more expensive, a factor you need to consider when selecting your divorce model.”

The emphasis on self-care, self-knowledge, and better understanding the process of coming together or moving apart to create a win-win situation for all makes this book outstanding in many ways. Relationship Solutions is the item of choice for anyone interested in pursuing what makes for not just a stronger relationship, but a better, more independent and mindful relationship with life itself.

Diane Donovan, Senior Reviewer, Midwest Book Review

The post Rave Review by Diane Donovan of the Midwest Book Review appeared first on Sonia Frontera.

Those words may sound harsh, even bitter. He left you—maybe your kids too—with a broken heart and a diminished bank account. How can you be thankful for such a situation? This may be a difficult concept to consider while you’re still hurting, but the truth is, you have the choice between wishing he hadn’t left and being okay that he’s no longer your husband. How is that possible?

Let me be clear, I’m not dismissing the loss of financial security you may have derived by staying in your marriage. He may have left you and your children destitute as well as reeling from the loss of love. Such treatment is horrible, and I’m so sorry. If you are both Christian, you may be sick at heart over his having left his faith too. But right now, let’s focus on you and ask the question: Is the type of man who would leave, the right man for you?

The truth of your marriage

None of us wants to feel rejected, even if the one who has rejected us isn’t good for us. In trying to undo the rejection, your ego may tell you to wish him back. Telling your ego you need to get real and look at your situation differently might help you come to the realization he’s done you a favor by leaving.

Ask yourself why you’d want this man—this kind of man—still yoked to you. Were you physically and emotionally safe with him? Have you been truly happy in your marriage? Has he changed over the years? Do you love him, or do you love the kind of person he once was or you wished he was?

I ask these hard questions because, for years, I was the one who overlooked my husband’s hints he was not totally invested in our marriage. I dragged him to counseling several times without seeing permanent change. But I kept hoping he’d “see the light” and change as he promised. Your husband may have been more subtle, but I’m betting his decision to leave didn’t happen overnight.

It’s okay to express your anger

If you asked, my ex would tell you I was the one who left. In a legal sense, it’s true, but he’d abandoned me emotionally long before our divorce. (Look for my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce if you want the details.) He left me heartbroken as well as angry—angry with myself for investing so much time trying to make things better as well as angry with him. And yet I had a hard time letting go.

You, too, may cycle through heartbreak and anger. A first step is to express your anger in healthy ways. Scream, pound your pillow, go to talk therapy—do whatever healthy things you can do to let it out and let it go. Something that helped me was taking the shears to the overgrown rhododendron in my yard. “Take that!” Whack, whack. “And that!” Whack, whack. Pruning out all that overgrowth and dead wood proved to be a perfect metaphor for clearing away the injuries of my marriage.

He is who he is

As the shock of my husband’s abandonment wore off, I began reading books, trying to make sense of what happened and working on forgiveness. Lewis B. Smedes stunned me with this observation: “[Forgiveness] cannot heal our narcissistic resentments toward people for not being all that we expect them to be — nobody can forgive people for being what they are.” (Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve, HarperOne, 2007) In other words, who are we to expect people to be any different than they truly are? Even God does not change a person’s will. My ex was who he was. He knew who I wanted him to be, and he chose not to be that kind of person. Sad for me, but the sooner I accepted this reality, the more peace I would find.

He’s not the right man for you

Don’t get me wrong. It took me a while after the divorce to not wake up from dreams begging him to come back, and to truly believe I was better off without him. My ego took a lot of convincing. If you had the chance to start over, knowing all you know about your ex now, would you choose to let him into your life? Can you accept he isn’t the kind of man who is good for you or will change for you?

Now that you’re free of him, you can open yourself up to more possibilities. His leaving has given you an opportunity to grow and learn and become emotionally stronger. Learning to live on my own after twenty-five years of marriage challenged and strengthened me. It unleashed multiple blessings in my life. I felt surrounded by both earthly and heavenly love. I even found a new passion in ballroom dancing.

Try this exercise

Imagine, as I did, a friend trying to set you up with your ex. It might go something like my journal entry:

“I want to introduce you to someone I think you’re going to like. His wife of twenty-five years dumped him, and he’s quite sad. He’s a bit overweight, I hear he snores like crazy, spends all of his time at the computer, wants to be waited on, and is a picky eater, but he really is a nice guy. Maybe a little passive-aggressive too, but nice.”

“You’ve got to be kidding!” I’d say, “I deserve so much better!”

I pray the Lord provides you with the resources you need to survive and flourish after your divorce. I pray you wake up one day soon with a smile on your face, knowing you’re free of the hurt and anger of your divorce, knowing you deserve so much better, believing he did you a favor by leaving.

Linda M. Kurth writes memoir, romance, and non-fiction for adults, and fantasy and non-fiction for children. Her memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse was published as an eBook in November 2020, and the paperback is scheduled for release March 2, 2021. She also writes a blog, Help and Healing for Divorced Christians. More about Linda and her books can be found here: www.lindmkurth.com.

The post He Did You a Favor by Leaving: Learning to Let Go appeared first on Sonia Frontera.

Divorce is a scary experience and working with a lawyer may seem like a daunting and expensive proposition.  But going through divorce unrepresented can cost you even more.

In this guest post published in Divorce Magazine, I tell you why you need to hire a divorce lawyer–what’s at stake and why you need to avoid a toxic legal battle.

Read on!

Sonia Frontera is a family attorney, empowerment trainer and domestic violence advocate. She is the proud survivor of an unhappy marriage, a liberating divorce and is living proof that there’s life after separation.  Sonia is the bestselling author “Solve the Divorce Dilemma: Do You Keep Your Husband or Do You Post Him on Craigslist?” and “Relationship Solutions: Effective Strategies to Heal Your Heart and Create the Happiness You Deserve.”

She loves to hear from readers and can be reached at her internet home.

Sign up for more blog posts and freebies here! And join our Sisterhood on Facebook.

The post Do You Really Need a Divorce Lawyer? appeared first on Sonia Frontera.

Is the lockdown making you consider divorce? 

The COVID crisis has forced many couples to spend more time together and many spouses are getting on each other’s nerves. Meanwhile, divorce lawyers around the world are predicting a surge in divorce cases. Is your marriage in danger?

Before you head to divorce court, take the time to do relationship inventory and sort through your marital dynamics to determine whether your marriage can be saved or if it is time to call it quits.

Answer honestly these 7 questions I offer in this guest post in Divorce Magazine to help you gain clarity and make the divorce decision with confidence.

Sonia Frontera is a family attorney, empowerment trainer and domestic violence advocate. She is the proud survivor of an unhappy marriage, a liberating divorce and is living proof that there’s life after separation.  Sonia is the author of the #1 bestseller “Solve the Divorce Dilemma: Do You Keep Your Husband or Do You Post Him on Craigslist?”

She loves to hear from readers and can be reached at her internet home.

Sign up for more blog posts and freebies here! And join our Sisterhood on Facebook.

The post Is a COVID Divorce in Your Future? appeared first on Sonia Frontera.