Relationship Solutions: Effective Strategies to Heal Your Heart and Create the Happiness You Deserve is the third book in the self-help ‘The Sister’s Guides to Empowered Living’ series, but needs no prior introduction to serve as a stand-alone read for newcomers.

Plenty of books on the market discuss marital harmony and healing, but few adopt the approach of Relationship Solutions, which covers how to identify and work through underlying negativity to arrive at equitable solutions that work for all.

This isn’t a one-formula-fits-all-relationships approach, but a set of strategies designed to help readers first gain clarity about their own needs, responses, and lives; then work with another to meld interests and rebuild relationships and love.

It surveys common traits of an unhappy marriage, provides tools for re-assessing whether the couple individually holds enough connections and purpose to reform a bond together, and builds a positive mindset not just for relationship rebuilding, but for divorce (if this seems the best solution).

This approach sets Sonia Frontera‘s book apart from other relationship discussions, but there’s more. In the interests of not providing a singular model for the road to equitable partnership or disbanding, Frontera provides candid assessments that include financial as well as emotional concerns: “Technically, a mediator may help you craft an agreement you are comfortable with but may not be an optimal outcome in your situation. If you have not received adequate counseling, you may agree to terms that are not good for you. That’s why, unless the issues are simple and few, the parties should consider bringing their respective attorneys to mediation to protect their interests and avoid accepting unfavorable terms. Having attorneys present makes mediation more expensive, a factor you need to consider when selecting your divorce model.”

The emphasis on self-care, self-knowledge, and better understanding the process of coming together or moving apart to create a win-win situation for all makes this book outstanding in many ways. Relationship Solutions is the item of choice for anyone interested in pursuing what makes for not just a stronger relationship, but a better, more independent and mindful relationship with life itself.

Diane Donovan, Senior Reviewer, Midwest Book Review

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Those words may sound harsh, even bitter. He left you—maybe your kids too—with a broken heart and a diminished bank account. How can you be thankful for such a situation? This may be a difficult concept to consider while you’re still hurting, but the truth is, you have the choice between wishing he hadn’t left and being okay that he’s no longer your husband. How is that possible?

Let me be clear, I’m not dismissing the loss of financial security you may have derived by staying in your marriage. He may have left you and your children destitute as well as reeling from the loss of love. Such treatment is horrible, and I’m so sorry. If you are both Christian, you may be sick at heart over his having left his faith too. But right now, let’s focus on you and ask the question: Is the type of man who would leave, the right man for you?

The truth of your marriage

None of us wants to feel rejected, even if the one who has rejected us isn’t good for us. In trying to undo the rejection, your ego may tell you to wish him back. Telling your ego you need to get real and look at your situation differently might help you come to the realization he’s done you a favor by leaving.

Ask yourself why you’d want this man—this kind of man—still yoked to you. Were you physically and emotionally safe with him? Have you been truly happy in your marriage? Has he changed over the years? Do you love him, or do you love the kind of person he once was or you wished he was?

I ask these hard questions because, for years, I was the one who overlooked my husband’s hints he was not totally invested in our marriage. I dragged him to counseling several times without seeing permanent change. But I kept hoping he’d “see the light” and change as he promised. Your husband may have been more subtle, but I’m betting his decision to leave didn’t happen overnight.

It’s okay to express your anger

If you asked, my ex would tell you I was the one who left. In a legal sense, it’s true, but he’d abandoned me emotionally long before our divorce. (Look for my memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce if you want the details.) He left me heartbroken as well as angry—angry with myself for investing so much time trying to make things better as well as angry with him. And yet I had a hard time letting go.

You, too, may cycle through heartbreak and anger. A first step is to express your anger in healthy ways. Scream, pound your pillow, go to talk therapy—do whatever healthy things you can do to let it out and let it go. Something that helped me was taking the shears to the overgrown rhododendron in my yard. “Take that!” Whack, whack. “And that!” Whack, whack. Pruning out all that overgrowth and dead wood proved to be a perfect metaphor for clearing away the injuries of my marriage.

He is who he is

As the shock of my husband’s abandonment wore off, I began reading books, trying to make sense of what happened and working on forgiveness. Lewis B. Smedes stunned me with this observation: “[Forgiveness] cannot heal our narcissistic resentments toward people for not being all that we expect them to be — nobody can forgive people for being what they are.” (Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve, HarperOne, 2007) In other words, who are we to expect people to be any different than they truly are? Even God does not change a person’s will. My ex was who he was. He knew who I wanted him to be, and he chose not to be that kind of person. Sad for me, but the sooner I accepted this reality, the more peace I would find.

He’s not the right man for you

Don’t get me wrong. It took me a while after the divorce to not wake up from dreams begging him to come back, and to truly believe I was better off without him. My ego took a lot of convincing. If you had the chance to start over, knowing all you know about your ex now, would you choose to let him into your life? Can you accept he isn’t the kind of man who is good for you or will change for you?

Now that you’re free of him, you can open yourself up to more possibilities. His leaving has given you an opportunity to grow and learn and become emotionally stronger. Learning to live on my own after twenty-five years of marriage challenged and strengthened me. It unleashed multiple blessings in my life. I felt surrounded by both earthly and heavenly love. I even found a new passion in ballroom dancing.

Try this exercise

Imagine, as I did, a friend trying to set you up with your ex. It might go something like my journal entry:

“I want to introduce you to someone I think you’re going to like. His wife of twenty-five years dumped him, and he’s quite sad. He’s a bit overweight, I hear he snores like crazy, spends all of his time at the computer, wants to be waited on, and is a picky eater, but he really is a nice guy. Maybe a little passive-aggressive too, but nice.”

“You’ve got to be kidding!” I’d say, “I deserve so much better!”

I pray the Lord provides you with the resources you need to survive and flourish after your divorce. I pray you wake up one day soon with a smile on your face, knowing you’re free of the hurt and anger of your divorce, knowing you deserve so much better, believing he did you a favor by leaving.

Linda M. Kurth writes memoir, romance, and non-fiction for adults, and fantasy and non-fiction for children. Her memoir, God, the Devil, and Divorce: A Transformative Journey out of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse was published as an eBook in November 2020, and the paperback is scheduled for release March 2, 2021. She also writes a blog, Help and Healing for Divorced Christians. More about Linda and her books can be found here: www.lindmkurth.com.

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Solve the Divorce Dilemma: Do You Keep Your Husband or Do You Post Him on Craigslist?: Get Clear, Get Strong and Get Off the Fence. A Roadmap to Freedom … Sister’s Guides to Empowered Living, Book 1 may sound like a whimsically accessible read, but the sense of fun in the subtitle is actually an invitation to enter a serious exploration that provides women with keys to assessing the viability and potential of their own marriages.

Sonia Frontera maintains that divorce, while an option, should be approached with an active awareness of underlying attitudes about relationships that may have contributed to stagnation or dangerous situations. Readers are encouraged to self-analyze their marriage’s dynamics and their own attitudes. This approach requires a strong ability to self-assess and a desire to consider changes not only within the relationship, but in one’s choices, attitudes, and decisions.

Solve the Divorce Dilemma is not a pro- or anti-divorce treatise, but one which encourages readers to enter this analysis with eyes wide open. One might argue that this approach is best utilized with the aid of a licensed therapist, but Frontera’s book is meant to supplement professional help; not replace it. Think of it as a self-study workbook of exercises and tools that can be utilized either at home or with the assistance of a professional.

The processes of getting clear, getting strong, and perhaps getting out are outlined in chapters that cover everything from the fallout from social programming and its impact on womens’ lives to what constitutes awareness, and how to cultivate it on many levels.

Women who have traditionally led unexamined lives will be surprised at many of these insights, while those committed to real self-examination and change will be the best beneficiaries of a book that guides them through common pitfalls and obstacles to paths that lead in a more positive direction.

Another important facet of Solve the Divorce Dilemma lies in its many important daily insights, from missing or ignoring red flags about caustic behaviors in relationships to weighing the consequences of divorce and possible regret over decisions leading to it. In order to mitigate such regrets, it’s important for women to assess all reasonable opportunities for change within the relationship as well as outside of it (abusive situations being the exception to this rule).

From cultivating forgiveness to approaching one’s spouse with a request for divorce and handling the fallout from different kinds of reactions, Solve the Divorce Dilemma covers the entire emotional process. It is highly recommended reading for anyone interested in making lasting changes in their psyches and lives. These keys to change go beyond a singular relationship to probe how to make choices, react to adversity, and, ultimately, envision freedom and self-love.

D. Donovan, Senior Reviewer, Midwest Book Review

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